For years it was chaos in my head, one which I was desperately trying to control. I failed miserably and the result was the birth of a somewhat catatonic personality. I knew how to survive and interact during the day. But when I got home I crashed and crashed hard.
I only realize now that I have always been acting fine, but I haven't been 'fine' for years. During the day I was able to function and do the necessary things, to maintain my basic needs, but I have been feeling numb and dead for over 25 years. There was always something lingering in the back of my mind that I was never able to solve, but my head kept trying to solve it day in and day out. It drained me of all my energy and after a full day of 'acting', the only thing I was capable to do was sleeping. I sometimes slept 12 to 16 hours a day but always woke up tired.
Last year after my Twitter leads were coming in, little by little, things were starting to make sense. Of course, this did not happen overnight. It was a year of many twists and turns and although were are not fully there yet: the puzzle is trying to solve itself. I have a great suspicion of what happened in the past and I have been waiting for months to visit Indonesia. Due to a combination of business and family reunification, I am now finally able to follow up on my suspicions.
My last week before departure I spent running around like crazy. I had to juggle, physio, dental appointments, hospital checkups for my ankle, Covid vaccination, PCR test and on top of everything trying to learn a new financial system for work. I was so exhausted that the idea of 5 days quarantine was very appealing to me.
Travelling while there is a pandemic going on, is quite interesting. A year ago I was at the same airport trying to take a flight to South Korea and visit my friend Danielle. The flight got cancelled and I was heartbroken that I was not able to visit my friend. Luckily this time was different, although they double-checked my papers 3 times, everything seemed in order. On the first leg of the flight, there were only 25 people on the plane. I was able to sleep like a baby since I had 3 seats all for myself. The flight from Doha to Jakarta was almost full, but somehow I got lucky since again I had 3 chairs all to myself.
Jakarta Airport feels familiar since I re-visited Jakarta in 2019, although the procedures are a bit different with the pandemic. You now have to download a health app and they measure your body temperature. While waiting for passport control I chatted with a Dutchman who got contracted by an Indonesian football team. He is young and nervous since the agency who booked his flight did not give him much information about what he can expect. I am trying to calm him down and try to distract him a little bit. He tells me he has to go to a training camp in Kalimantan and join his new team. I jokingly told him that I hope he likes Indonesian food. I was a bit surprised when he answered 'no, I like Dutch food'. I laughed and said Dutch food is hard to find, but in the big cities, you do have many different international kitchens.
There were also 2 old French women in the line waiting. They wanted to report an unattended bag, which was actually of the owner waiting in front of them, saying to the Indonesian border police: there is an unattended bag, and there is probably a bomb in it. The last part was meant as a joke and they were lucky the police were not able to understand or hear it, but I could not help telling them that you never do this at an airport. One of the women said: well in some countries they have humour...
I had arranged a quarantine package and after customs, military police asked me which hotel I am quarantining. When I told them Best Western, they shouted to a guy, Best Western, Best Western. I almost had to laugh. It was chaos at the quarantine package deals and everyone was walking back and forth with passports, papers and receipts. It took almost an hour but then I was finally brought to my hotel. By now I already had explained to myself 10 times, that I do not speak Bahasa, but have gotten used to it again.
For many adoptees, a trip to Indonesia feels like coming home. Unfortunately, this is still not my experience. It does feel familiar, but it is far from home to me. I remember my last visit to Jakarta made me feel nervous, this time I am not. For me, this trip is all about empowering my intuition and confirming what I have always suspected. I am finally hoping to solve a 42-year-old puzzle.