My identity crisis started in high school but hit me like a bulldozer during my university years. My brain started getting foggy. I was supposed to study but was often only capable to stare at a page for hours and still had no clue what was written. I became absent-minded and forgot things like my keys or even where I parked my bike (and later car) all the time.
As a good (chameleon) adoptee, I was able to adapt an act that I was OK, at least...... for a while. Back in my student dorm, my energy level often dropped down to zero and slept 12-16 hours a day. I was a struggling zombie and felt dumb and insecure. How was it possible that all of a sudden I was so forgetful and not able to read or write?
Today I realize that I was probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). For many years I had been obsessively retracing my memories before adoption and meeting my mother in 1991 in my head over and over again, on a daily basis. It drove me almost insane. There were so many things I did not understand and still don't. My brain felt foggy, not able to process anything and it drained me of all my energy.
I have always known how to survive, but never knew how to live, or did not have the energy to do so. All I have ever known is I needed money to survive so I started to work. First at the airport as a security officer and later as an office manager. For years I was only able to work and sleep, too tired to live and feeling like a zombie, not dead nor living. I call it: "my automatic pilot survival mode." At work, I had been able to act social but at home, I immediately crashed, barely able to feed or take care of myself.
Due to my continuing foggy brain, I was not able to read and panicked if I had to read long texts. With a bit of creativity, I manage to hide this deficiency, due to adding blank spaces between lines. I hid it because I felt no one would understand. Most people don't understand the issue of intercountry adoption, let alone the issues of an adopted child while growing up. Only 6 years ago I was finally able to finish reading a book. I know it sounds pathetic, but this was a huge milestone for me.
When I left for Indonesia in June, my concentration was fairly good. Though during the morning, it was at its best, after 16.00 it rapidly disappeared. I often tell my boyfriend: "Don't ask me difficult questions in the evening, because my brain is just not able to process your questions."
Due to the pandemic, I had a whole year to do research to find my biological mother. Before I left I was almost sure to have found huge chunks of my past. Unfortunately, when I returned, I came back more confused than ever. Nothing was what it seemed and for weeks I felt numb. My friends wanted to know about my progress but I was barely able to understand what had happened, let alone inform friends. I avoided them like a plague. For now, I am only able to work, eat, sleep, walk and swim. The last two I have to do for rehabilitation for my ankle but it also releases me from stress. I still feel numb and not much able to do anything else.
I did gather interesting information on my last trip, all of which was unexpected, but after six weeks of intense research, it felt like my brain was going to explode. It also immediately started to have an effect on my concentration and the fogginess came back. Once again I am absent-minded and have forgotten keys, cell phone and other things too many times. Once again I have reading issues and find myself staring at a monitor without knowing what the hell I am reading or doing. I am hoping it will return quickly before jeopardizing my job, since this chameleon gave up acting, years ago. My acting skills have turned bad and while I was used to winning Oscars, lately they were turning into Raspberries.
Unfortunately, I am still often embarrassed of my handicap and feel people are not able to fully understand the impact of (intercountry) adoption and what it does to your brain.....